you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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