broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
