my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
