I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
