when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
