the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
We need a shit load of segways right now
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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