I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
