Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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