do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
