She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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