it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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