I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
