Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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