Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
