im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
