I hate all girls vehemently.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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