i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
