I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My Sexting was not on an AP level
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
