Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
