Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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