are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
