I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
