Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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