I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
