Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
