I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
