My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
