I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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