Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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