Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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