I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
