I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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