Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
