her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
