Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize