I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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