I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
