I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
