listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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