My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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