i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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