I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
