Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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