um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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