If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
