life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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