so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
