I must be too annoying 4 u.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize