My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
