this beer tastes like vomit already
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Randomize
