2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
