I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
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