i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
