Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
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