Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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