Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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