It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
