I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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