Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
